An unfinished business.

   'No more, not anymore'', he insisted. We were having an apple juice and I already made it half with my first gulp. It was a hot and humid day. I saw him taking a gradual sip as if he wasn't dehydrated.  'Either he ain't lethargic or he dislikes the juice', I thought.  I didn't bother to ask him. I just wished some cool air around, but that didn't happen. 
   
   I was done with the cup of juice and he was half done. I was waiting for him to complete. I wish I had another cup of juice but it was all over(unlucky me). He looked rather unhappy or strange that day. I didn't know, I just hadn't any idea.  'Did I demode his fluctuating mood?', it conspired my brain. 
  
    I felt little uncomfortable to not have discovered his true problem. 'How would anyone know without being told  or should I be asking him to know about it?'  I battled.   The later won, and it made me question him whether  he was perturbed or melancholic.  He nodded in agony and  with a forced smile, pretty artificial. I could see his face becoming red. His physiology is working, I mused. He was actually blushing and I could see his eyes congested  and watery with tears but  his eyes  contained them and it wasn't flowing down the cheek. It would have been an embarrassing moment for both of  us, had he  cried like a baby. I just pretended as if I didn't notice his emotive face. 
    
   He started with his stories. Guess, I did provoke his courage to unveil his secrets. What atypical could that be? I guess the same, same stories that many people have.Not a big deal. He had a women whom he loved truly, heartily and unconditionally. I can't say whether that was the  truth or not. He just told me, I must admit, love is rather misinterpreted.  But I didn't challenge his words, thinking not to aggravate his already doomed mood. 
  
    He was brutally killed by love. He wouldn't spend time not thinking of her. He was literally obsessed with her, he wouldn't be able to imagine a life without her. She was the must girl, an angel for him.  He  always cared, re-cared,  trusted, re-trusted, loved and re-loved her. That was  what he told and many more. I am writing in a gist. I don't want to bore you with trivial descriptions here. But one thing we know now, is that his love had been worth defined. 
   
    He continued with an emotional tone, "Now, it is all over, our relation collapsed and I don't wan't it anymore''. He actually meant the relationship, when he said, "no more, not any more" at the first place. It wasn't the juice that I thought to be. He seemed more and more depressed momentarily. 
    
    He was emotionally troubled, fully charged and devastated that time to deny any further conversation. I couldn't force him to tell, it probably inflicted his bygone memories .  Now, it is all over but it left me curious.  Perhaps, it seemed unwavering true love, but why their relationship failed? It crashed  into pieces which could not be mend again.  I don't know why did he quit.  Did she hurt him inconsolably or did she go with some other? Or the vice versa?  I don't know, at least for now........

Challenging paralysis

   
     Have you ever watched in a movie, a person dying in the hospital? If you did, you will not have missed the changes in the electrocardiogram. It becomes flat. That is my emotions right now. It is flat and dead. I don't see it flat but  I can feel it flat, I don't care how but it does. It doesn't hurt me, no it doesn't. Why are you so naive, my feelings? You should wake up from the deep coma, I can't let you be in  that state forever. Shake off your delusions or dreams or illusions or whatever.  You should make me humanely , I don't care whether it is upward deflection or downward deflection, all I care now is your revival. Did I ask more? Kind a felt that I did not.  I just want what every humans have in common, the feeling that swings. 
    
     Oh! yeah! I am not practically dead. Right now, I was being bitten by mosquitoes. My legs are itchy and I scratched it. It became red on the parts they bit me. It clearly showed, I ain't dead physiologically. My skin is sensible, blood is flowing and yet all are functional. I am all right, totally and undoubtedly. I wouldn't be writing this if I were dead.  Dead man wouldn't write, not even an exception! Didn't it sound silly?
  
     Agreed that I am functional, yet I feel empty. I am not enlightened. That would be crazy if I were, crazy in heavenly environment. When I say empty,  I ain't devoid of blood, or flesh or organs or necessities for my body. They are all intact, bountiful and appropriate. But, one thing that is still missing is  the emotion. Where did it go and why? I asked. After all it is the mind which manifests into many ways So, I put in serious inquiries to him. I don't have proper idea. It didn't bother informing me where it would go. I am challenged to guess the reasons. Would I ever win? I must, I never give up, because, they aren't in my genes, so are not hereditary or congenital. I can win as long as they are the architect of my mind. 
     
     Is it medical studies that is making me numb?   I go to ward and see patients diagnosed with many dangerous diseases. I don't feel much of pain which I used to do before. Am I used to such conditions? I guess may be. It sounds cruel but  I do have very little choice now. Perhaps, it is the way, it should go. I can't stay depressed all the times and I wouldn't want to be in misery.So none of you would do the same.  Seems like, what I am going through, is a natural transition, a blessing in disguise.  I won't ponder on it.  I am not a true believer of  destiny or whatever people call it. Because, I have not seen one, I would never see nor anyone can see it, yet we know  it exists.  Let it be, whatever it is for.  For now, I must change, I need a mood that swings.
     
    I am sorry, I am all flat now. If anyone around me can't see as the person I used to be, I promise to be back soon.  I like to be the original. I hate being artificial or duplicate, they never can replace me, because I am special just in my own ways. I am in a quest to revive it soon, and it will happen. How about right now? I can, I can do it. I can feel it now. I have them, I know they are there, right there and it is just that I can't see. I am close and so so close to conquer it.

The journey that speaks volumes

      

     I was confounded in a maze. I didn't know where should  I go because the place seemed incredibly new to me. I tried following some other people whom I barely knew, walking down the valley but to no avail( I couldn't catch their pace).  It was a tough afternoon. No doubt,  the weather was hot and humid, making me sweat all over. 

     

     The valley was adorned with big trees, densely distributed and frightening. I was totally scared, my pulses were bouncing high, could feel as if my hairs were lightly electrified and could hear my heart's palpitations. Have you ever been to hell? I bet, you didn't. Neither, do I know how hell is like, because I have not been to hell,  at least in this life ( Who knows, I must have been before, which I can't retrospect now)  But,  I am sure  it wasn't less torturing experience as hell than it was. 

    

     I don't exactly remember why I went there, my memories have been crumpled now.  It is vague, perhaps, I went for helping some other people in their work( not sure what it was).But it isn't my concern now, I only needed to survive myself.  I must admit, I have forgotten my purpose after having to overcome the dreadful difficulties. 

     

      What ever it was, I had to cross the valley and reached another place and it was a small and beautiful village. There were people in groups talking( I was least bothered, I didn't know what the hell or heaven it was). But one thing that exploited my interest  was the cool wind , which blew over the place making it  serene and cooling my sweat drenched  shirt. What a comforting moment!  Yeah, I liked that!

    

    At that moment, I could hear a girl  talking to my mother. Her voice seemed familiar to me, a melody to  mine ears.  'Is it a deja vu or a reality?' I asked.  No, no, it is not fake because  I could see her. It was real and it was her and only her. She was  the one whom I knew long before, the one whom I would never be bored to look at , the one whom I  would die in want of hearing her voice and the one whom I wanted to be with forever and ever and ever.  
     But, a sad feeling arose in me,  because we weren't speaking to each other for sometimes and our relation seemed falling down and down. It never looked like climbing up, because it was damn stiff cliff, too tough to climb and we wouldn't risks falling down the abyss again. It saddened me more knowing that they weren't talking to me and seeing me that time. 'Am I invisible or am I dead or else why aren't they speaking to me?' I asked and asked and asked, but just to myself!

    

   Now,  she couldn't see me. I was puzzled again. But I could hear them converse.   She  tells my mother,''Sonam will be back soon''.  Obviously, she seemed to care and expects me to be  home soon. I can't be sure of what she meant, after all she just said that I will be back. What does it mean? Is it love or care? I just don't know. Do I have to know? I don't know that one too. I am confused again and again. I don't care because I don't want to trouble my troubled mind,  but her one sentence  made me happy, at least for that moment and that is what I really care.

    
    As soon as she said that, I heard a very rough and loud noise around, which irritated me. I was to listen to her and be with her.  But it marred the beauty of what I have been on the day.I didn't want to end my journey without reaching my final destination, which actually was to let her know that I already came and how I care and felt for her always. But it didn't happen because the sound kept on troubling me and made me lose my already  short patience . I  shouted aloud,  only then  I realized that I  was sleeping on my bed and it was a dream.   (In fact, it was the alarm that irritated me).  Do you ever regret to have not dreamt fully? Find out!...